Above: Safety is #1.
The Driver is listed in Fair to Embarrassed condition today after suffering a seriously lame, lifestyle-threatening injury on Sunday evening.
According to Mrs. Driver, the incident occurred at approximately 6:00 pm, when The Driver, 40, cut his left index finger with an X-Acto hobby knife. Mrs. Driver responded to a brief but violent outburst of profanity, and found The Driver in the upstairs bathroom.
"He was alternately swearing, calling out for me like a six-year-old girl and repeating, 'I'm fine,'" said Mrs. Driver. "Then, he asked for some gauze and his flip-flops."
Mrs. Driver rushed her husband to the emergency room, where he was pronounced "Not Serious Enough for Special Treatment" and instructed to "Just Have a Seat." He then underwent nearly two hours of waiting.
Later, during a routine ten-minute procedure, doctors were able to re-attach a small flap of skin and repair the cut. But not without stabbing the wound directly with a hypodermic needle -- twice -- in order to "deaden the pain." When questioned by The Driver, none of the hospital staff was able to appreciate the delightful irony in the use of a syringe as a means of reducing discomfort. Also denied were The Driver's repeated requests for his mommy and clean underwear.
Further reports from the medical team indicate that the incident occurred while The Driver was cutting paper for a craft project. The Driver later attempted to rescind his statement, requesting instead that the medical reports be amended to read: "Wrestling a coked-out polar bear that was armed with a machete."
The attending ER physician reported that the wound, while deep enough to require five or six stitches, was "the smallest finger injury I've ever seen." She went on to claim that the ER treats hundreds of injuries each week, exactly none of which are arts-and-crafts-related.
She expects a full recovery for the digit.
"Unfortunately, attempts to revive the patient's ego were unsuccessful," she said.
As of Monday, the Driver was resting comfortably at The Condo. He estimates that he is typing "at about 70%, unless I need to use the letters T, R, F or V. And G is really tricky."
The Driver's masculinity could not be reached for comment.
3 comments:
Crafting, eh???
What were you making?
Glad to see that the finger is going to survive. Ouch!
"Crafts" has such a non-badass connotation. Surely we can come up with another word that better conveys the true (dangerous) nature of creativity.
Seriously funny. I totally laughed out loud while reading this. I had a similar experience but *ahem* mine was actually work related. Infinitely more respectable. However, you get props for receiving stitches. My injury only merited a butterfly bandage and some antibiotics.
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