To the Good Samaritan Who "Witnessed" The Driver's Fender Bender:

Dear Mac Payne (214-564-2682),

First, I must apologize for using your real name -- and including your phone number -- in this post.

On second thought, I don't apologize for that.

Anyway, just wanted to write to say, "Thank you." 

Thank you for stopping to render aid to a dumb broad who couldn't avoid hitting a 3/4 ton pickup that was (at the time of the aforementioned fender bender) situated perpendicular to the road and in (presumably) plain sight.

Okay. I was making a three-point turn. I backed up into the lane occupied by said broad. I stopped. I realized that there was a vehicle approaching. And what happens next is (in this Driver's opinion) very important: I had time to say at least one very choice word, throw the truck into "Drive," punch the gas, and lurch forward about a foot and a half in an effort to avoid... Boom.

Understandably, reaction times vary among drivers. Especially aging, gold-digging, privileged drivers with Cadillac SUVs and a sense of entitlement. To be fair, in the time it took me to recognize the situation and begin to react, she probably had to hang up with her hairdresser, put down her gin and tonic, dial her best friend from her bridge club, announce that she was about to drive headlong into a truck parked in the middle of the street, hang up the cell phone once again and, in the words of The Driver's grandfather (in reference to female drivers), "powder her nose and light up a cigarette" before... Boom.

His words, not mine. The words "dumb broad" are mine. But not the part about stereotypical female behavior. The Driver knows plenty of women who are highly competent drivers. He's aware of their abilities because they frequently use riding in the car with The Driver as an opportunity to compare and contrast their superior driving and navigation skills. It's almost as if before meeting these lovely, intelligent women, The Driver had never operated a motor vehicle.

I digress.

Now, if someone* can tell The Driver that every driver involved in any accident in which that driver was in the process of, had completed, or had ever contemplated backing up at any point in time on the day in question is liable for any damages that are caused or might ever be caused by the act of operating a vehicle in reverse, then The Driver accepts full responsibility. I backed up. There. I said it.

But I did NOT back up into the Dumb Broad's (We can capitalize now, can't we?) Cadillac SUV. When the Dumb Broad drove into The Driver's truck, The Driver was swearing and driving forward.

And that, dear Mr. Mac Payne, is where you come in.

Before The Driver could even powder his nose, light  up a cigarette and exit his truck, you appeared. No doubt you were checking the Dumb Broad's vital signs, establishing an airway, or attending to whatever made-up injuries she didn't suffer when she plowed into The Driver's vehicle at an astonishing (and estimated) 14 MPH.

Immediately, you assessed the situation.

Then, along with Ms. Broad, you invented a completely different one.

And then, without talking to or even acknowledging the other Driver involved in the accident, you left.

And then came the lying.

The Dumb Broad contacted The Driver's insurance company with your new version of "what happened." According to Ms. Broad, The Driver "backed into" her Cadillac SUV.

You, Mr. Payne, enthusiastically corroborated Ms. Broad's account of the accident. After all, you were a "Witness." Some might say that's different from an "involved party." But apparently, those people are merely interested in deciphering the facts -- and are not hired to be insurance claims adjusters. Because the claims adjuster for the Dumb Broad's insurance carrier -- Surprise! -- agreed with your version of the truth. Probably because they're paid to agree with their policy holders.

But your expert testimony sent any lingering doubt out the window. From there, it was a simple matter of, "The Guy Who Might Have Been Backing Up That Day (and Who Isn't Insured by the Dumb Broad's Carrier) Did It."

[ Note to the Adjuster: You are worthy of an entire post of your own, complete with your name and telephone number. If there is a less honorable job on earth, I'm not aware of it. But The Driver is getting so fatigued that he can only manage to offer the following: Consider this. Damage to The Driver's 2000 Toyota Tacoma: Left rear corner. Damage to Dumb Broad's Cadillac SUV: Front grille, slightly left of center. Had The Driver "backed into" the Cadillac, then wouldn't the Cadillac have been damaged on its side? And wouldn't the Tacoma have sustained damage to the rear bumper, below the tailgate? And while we're at it, does anyone actually inspect the damage to either vehicle at all? Or are we operating entirely on hearsay these days? Because had I known that I needed to lie to keep from having to pay higher insurance premiums, I would have written, rehearsed and recited a whopper. And you'd better believe it would have involved space aliens, three neighborhood kids and The Driver's dog. Oh, and did I mention that I wasn't driving the Tacoma that day? It was the Bentley. And I'm going to need that replaced. ]

And so, Mr. Mac Payne (214-564-2682), your contribution to society has not gone unnoticed. You are most definitely not a waste of space. And you certainly have every right to stand up for what you might or might not have seen, and to spew forth your myopic and subjective opinion as if it were irrefutable fact. Well done, fellow citizen. You can rest easy knowing that you rescued some ignorant old hag from herself, and that the evil, evil Driver in the sinister black truck will pay for whatever it is he did. Or didn't do. Who cares? Because after all, it's not about what happened. It's about assigning blame and eschewing responsibility. And together with that poor, hapless victim and her pretty Cadillac with the nasty boo-boo, you've succeeded brilliantly on both counts. What kind of world would it be if people actually had to pay for the damages they caused? Certainly not a world that you or Ms. Broad are ready to live in, that's for sure.

*Someone who is familiar with the motor vehicle laws in The Driver's home state, and who is not an insurance claims adjuster.