Notice to Pets: The Driver is Not Kidding*

At approximately 11:30 PM on the night before Thanksgiving, The Driver observed one of his two dogs slinking down the stairs in order to perform what the vet euphemistically calls "inappropriate urination." Or, what The Driver calls "peeing in the house." Or, what the dog in question calls "Wednesday."

It should be noted that the Crazy Dog is agoraphobic. In fact, unlike most canines, she'd prefer to stay indoors. She doesn't even like to go outside long enough for "potty breaks." In fact, The Driver is convinced that she'd be quite content if she could find a nice, safe, indoor place to eliminate where she could ignore the waste and go back to hiding under The Driver's desk. Since this arrangement doesn't really work for The Driver, he continues to drag her reluctantly outside three times a day.

It should also be noted that -- because she is crazy -- the Crazy Dog does LOVE to be outside when it is A) after 10:00PM, and B) below 50 degrees.

Back to the slinking and the inappropriate urination. In an effort to nip the potential "accident" in the bud, The Driver quickly leashed up the Crazy Dog and hurried her outdoors.

Upon letting her out to urinate more appropriately, the Crazy Dog got away from The Driver -- disappearing into the crisp night air.

For about 15 minutes, the Crazy Dog had the time of her insane, neurotic, nocturnal life. During this time, The Driver went back indoors and returned to cleaning the kitchen. Later, he stood on the front steps and watched the Crazy Dog scurry back into The Condo -- at her leisure, of course.

The Driver was beyond irritated. And the pets were about to suffer his passive-aggressive wrath.

In the same 24 hour period, The Driver's surly cat had urinated VERY inappropriately on the mat outside his litter box. He does this when he's low on food. It's charming. And yet, it gets him fed -- so he's learned that it works out quite well for him.

Something had to be done. And since Mrs. Driver does not condone rolled up newspapers, kicking or matches as appropriate forms of pet discipline, The Driver did the only thing he knew to do -- namely, channel his repressed rage into a snarky drawing on the kitchen chalkboard.

Hence, the "Pet Adoption Alert Level" chart.

Now, each pet can be apprised of his or her completely meaningless "status" at any time. And The Driver can dream of taking the pets on a leisurely drive down an abandoned country road -- without all the messy guilt and divorce.

Note: The "Start the Car" status was added the next night -- when the Crazy Dog made The Driver take her outside several times in succession. Not to urinate appropriately, mind you -- but just to sniff and enjoy the brisk night air. After all, there's plenty of warm, safe living room floor for peeing.

*Of course, The Driver is kidding. At least, as far as Mrs. Driver is concerned.