To the Person(s) Who Broke Into The Driver's 2000 Toyota Tacoma Truck

Dear Sir or Madam,

On the matter of your successful and extremely uninvited entry into my 2000 Toyota Tacoma pickup, I offer the following:

First, you are to be commended for your craftsmanship. You could have broken a window, pried and / or damaged various trims and moldings, or rendered the door mechanism inoperable. You did none of these things. Mrs. Driver swears she locked the driver's side door, as she was the last person to use the vehicle. And there is no reason to believe this isn't the case. So the fact that the door was found open, yet with no obvious signs of forced entry, is testament to your skill -- if not your lack of follow-through. In the future, however, please take a few extra milliseconds to close the door -- especially when, after consulting a reputable source of your choosing, you learn that the forecast calls for precipitation. Of course, you probably knew that it wasn't scheduled to rain for another two hours. But still.

Second, I apologize that you were unable to find anything of value in the vehicle. Because car break-ins are a frequent occurrence in The Driver's 'hood, both he and Mrs. Driver are mindful not to leave insurance cards, laptop computers, Crown Jewels or other items of potential interest in our automobiles.

I am, however, grateful that I could provide you with a few of my personal belongings. The fact that a fellow human being might be in desperate need of a 3" x 5" spiral notepad containing a detailed, hand-written mileage log is perfectly understandable. Sorry there were no blank pages left in there for you. On a more positive note, if your 2000 Toyota Tacoma ever needs mechanical attention, and if you've misplaced your Owner's Manual (or, if you ever wondered, for example, how much transmission fluid is required to fill the reservoir in a 2000 Toyota Tacoma, or which fuse controls the windshield wipers), then you need look no further than your own study -- or whatever dumpster you used to dispose of said manual.

If you are the same vagrant, crack-head, miscreant, ragamuffin, scumbag, eff-nut or disgruntled neighbor who previously helped him- / herself to The Driver's cheap sunglasses about a year ago, then congratulations on your most recent addition to your collection. Your sense of style is matched only by... Well.. mine, I suppose. The hardest thing about replacing them will be walking back into PacSun another year older. The Driver fears that soon, he won't be allowed in unless accompanied by a minor.

In conclusion, I think we are in agreement that your latest poor decision was a complete success for all concerned. As larcenies go, it had a minimal impact on its victim. And you got a map of Dallas. Unfortunately, you must have been in a hurry. Because if you had taken the time to look in the hard-to-reach space between the driver's and passenger's seats, you would have found a Whataburger french fry. Bummer. I would have gladly offered it -- and I really could have used some help getting it out of there.