On the Matter of the Slowly-Leaking Water Heater

To the Water Heater:

First and foremost, I must thank you for 28 years of hard work and service. Since your installation (circa 1980), you have tirelessly produced hot water for countless showers, shaves, hand-washings and loads of laundry. Today's appliances are expected only to work half as long at best. So, kudos to you.

Next, thank you for choosing to slowly dribble away in relative obscurity — rather than "going out with a bang" in a gushing, home-wrecking torrent of water and rust.

To Mrs. Driver:

Thank you for pointing out the small, almost invisible puddle of rusty water on the floor of our utility closet. Your keen eye — always on the lookout for potential missteps (including dirty dishes in your pristine sink) — was in rare form on this particular Sunday. Less observant mortals might have grabbed a plastic bag and their sandals from the closet and taken out the dogs for their morning business. Instead, you looked closer, identified the problem, and did the next and most logical thing. Namely, you made me deal with it. Observation and delegation — two qualities every man strives to find in a spouse. Well played.

To the Original Builders of The Condo:

Gentlemen, your craftsmanship and attention to detail are nothing short of miraculous. Generations of homeowners will marvel at your handiwork — especially when their water heaters reach the end of their useful existence. Because it is then — and only then — when they will make an astonishing discovery: Somehow, using construction techniques handed down since the beginning of modern civilization, you fit a 35 1/2" wide water heater through a 34 1/2" closet door.

Only after several minutes of bewildered measuring and re-measuring — followed by several minutes of extremely creative swearing — was I able to deduce your carefully calculated strategy. First, install a standard 35 1/2" water heater. Second, install a standard 34 1/2" door frame. Third, walk away with hands in pockets, whistling like a character in a Looney Tunes cartoon. Fourth, remind yourself that 28 years is a really long time, and that you'll probably be retired — or perhaps teaching your apprentice carpenters a few of your time- and money-saving tips. Either way, you will most certainly have been excused from any responsibility for installing a 35 1/2" water heater in a space with a 34 1/2" closet door.

Ultimately, I must thank you for teaching me a few carpentry skills of my own. It only took 45 minutes to carefully remove the door frame (while preserving the existing sheetrock and paint). Then, it was simply a matter of re-installing the frame, caulking the seams, re-hanging the door, re-painting the frame and touching up the surrounding wall paint. Good as new, and only a few irreplaceable minutes off the end of my life.

To the Plumber:

Nice work. You measured and cut new copper pipes to perfect lengths simply by eyeballing them. And they fit. You also factored in the correct amount of slope so that everything drained — again measuring only by eye. Pretty cool. Unfortunately, you put a 100-lb. water heater into a drain pan without accurately eyeballing the position of the drain valve — the very part of the water heater that necessitates the whole drain pan thing in the first place. Then, just before you left, you proceeded to fill the water heater with 40 gallons (read: 400 lbs.) of water. After several very humiliating and profanity-laden attempts to scoot the drain pan and / or the water heater so that the drain valve would leak into the pan if necessary, Mrs. Driver and I finally got it pretty close. Or at least, closer than you did. Just by eyeballing it.

To the Plumbing Company:

You are to be commended for your business acumen. You've observed that the Home Warranty Company only pays you a small, flat fee to remove and install a water heater that's covered under the homeowner's policy. So in order to make it worth your while, you've figured out a way to break out every possible line item and charge it back to the homeowner. Removal of the old water heater? That's extra. New plumbing to get water to the new water heater (because the connections on the new water heater are in a completely different place)? That's gonna cost ya. In other words, you've found a way to make "replacing a water heater" mean something completely different than "replacing a water heater." And what of my $55 service fee? Or the monthly premium paid to the Home Warranty Company? You know, the payments that are meant to cover such claims as "replacing a water heater"? Just a drop in the proverbial drain pan.

To the Home Warranty Company:

The Driver is no "communication expert." Just a professional communicator. So please take my suggestions with a grain of salt. To use the business parlance of the day, you might want to "sync up" with your "vendors," just to make sure they're not... you know... "effing over" your policy holders. Or simply pay your plumbers a few more bucks to "replace a water heater." Based on what I paid in premiums last year, you've got the cash. That way, when the plumber arrives to "replace a water heater," I'm not ambushed by extra charges (like "removal"). Imagine — a service fee that covers a service.

To the Makers of the BurstBuster 3000:

There truly is a sucker born every minute. And that's why you're undoubtedly selling BurstBuster 3000s faster than you can produce them. Your product consists of a motorized electronic shutoff valve and a moisture detector. If the sensor (installed in the drain pan) detects moisture (presumably from a leak), it sends a signal to the valve — which shuts off the supply to the water heater. So instead of an endless flood of water blasting from a failed water heater, the worst thing that happens is that 40 gallons of water empties into the drain pan. Or in The Drivers' case, onto the floor — since the drain valve on the water heater is just slightly out of position in relation to the drain pan (see also: The Plumber). Disaster averted. Burst busted. And only 40 gallons of water to mop up. Of course, the BurstBuster 3000 is designed to protect against failure. But its real value lies in the fact that once someone purchases it, he or she can pretty much rest assured that it will never be used. At least, not as long as they're living in The Condo. Is it possible to put a price on peace of mind? Yes. It's about three hundred bucks. And that will be extra.