3,500 Years of Human Progress

The Driver recently visited the King Tutankhamun exhibit in Dallas, and was relieved to find that the spirit of human ingenuity and capitalism are alive and well.

Sadly, the event also marked the passing of our dignity.

While the famed "Golden Mask" or funerary mask — arguably the single most recognizable icon of the ancient Egyptian tombs — was noticeably absent from the display, organizers of "Tutankhamen and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs" made sure that the exhibit shop was well-stocked with assorted King Tut trash.

Including the item shown above.

T-shirts are understandable. Coffee-table books and DVDs are practical, informative and entertaining. Even the King Tut bobble-head doll was pretty funny (though poorly executed).

The tissue holder defies... Well, it defies a lot of things.

Then again, that's part of the reason for the exhibition, is it not? We need to raise some important questions about the life and mysterious death of the "Boy King."

Specifically:

What inspired the tissue holder? Did King Tut have a sinus condition?

While recent tests and earlier theories have given us much insight into Tutankhamen's age and physical health at the time of his sudden death, little is known about his allergies. Exhaustive studies of the hieroglyphs in Tut's tomb have not revealed evidence of the ancient ruler blowing his nose or dabbing watery eyes with papyrus or cloth. We can only speculate that the decision to produce a tissue holder as a tribute to one of history's most significant political and religious figures was driven by the need for modern suburban humans to accessorize their own dwellings with tasteless kitsch.

Why the placement of the tissue... er... hole?

Working theories: 1) Delightful narrative subtext in which tissue is dispensed from the nose — a subtle nod to its typical use in or around the nose; 2) Central location of nostrils on the human face closely matches the position of hole in center of tissue box; 3) Reference to the embalming and mummification process, during which the brain of the deceased was removed through the nose with a long, thin, hooked instrument. Embalmers may have used Kleenex (or similar material, such as Puffs with aloe and vitamin E) to plug the nostrils or clean up any residual gray matter; 4) Toilet paper dispenser featuring another "Boy King" orifice tested poorly in focus groups.

Who buys this crap?

This remains a question for the ages — and one that threatens to overshadow the mysteries of Tutankhamen himself.

Is King Tut rolling in his grave?

Well, Tut's body has been exhumed, unwrapped, subjected to X-rays and CT scans, then returned unclad to its original resting place. That's kind of like rolling, isn't it?