Handles and Wheels in 2012

The Driver wants a new law. 

Resolved: Any object over 50 lbs. in weight, or any item larger than a carry-on bag shall be manufactured with handles and/or wheels.

Example: The Driver's queen-size mattress. The Driver's $25 twin mattress from college had handles. But for some reason, his $600, pillow-top, extra-deep-never-flip-comfort-deluxe-gold-inlaid-diamond-encrusted queen-size mattress has no handles. Or wheels, for that matter. Its weight is somewhat manageable, but its size makes it extremely unwieldy. Under The Driver's proposed law, such a mattress would be fitted with mandatory handles and/or wheels.

Example: The Driver's outdated entertainment center (below). The Driver recently had to move this item from a second-floor bedroom -- down a flight of stairs with a switchback / landing. The only thing worse than moving this six-foot, 200-lb. block of medium density fiberboard downstairs was hauling it up there in the first place. It was during the latter exercise when Mrs. Driver coined the term "Creative Swearing" -- which she used to describe a highly disjointed and extremely vociferous soliloquy wherein The Driver single-handedly invented roughly 37 new profanities. The entire event (and the aforementioned creative swearing) was brought about by the entertainment center's severe and blatant lack of handles and/or wheels. Again, with a new federal ordinance in place, manufacturers would be required to outfit such products with handles and/or wheels.

Above: The Driver's [Expletive] Entertainment Center, not equipped with handles and/or wheels. A proposed federal mandate would make handles and/or wheels on such [expletive] objects compulsory --- with manufacturers facing stiff penalties such as spending their time in the afterlife hauling their own poorly designed crap up and down an endless flight of stairs.

With support for The Driver's "Teleportation in 200X" campaign rapidly waning, The Driver hopes to alter his strategy to focus on a broader, more immediate issue. Since potholes and healthcare are taken, he has chosen to address the urgent and growing need for handles and wheels.

It's a good idea for America. And The Driver's sanity.