Wildlife 1, The Driver 0

Those who follow this blog know that Mrs. Driver has a soft spot for animals. The Drivers rescued a pigeon from the side of an expressway, raised it in our courtyard until it was mature enough to fly away, and rejoiced when it returned with a friend.

That's when Mrs. Driver started feeding birds. The pigeons abandoned us after just three days without birdseed. Ungrateful punks. But somewhere along the way, the pigeons were replaced by a wide variety (and an even more impressive quantity) of bird species -- namely cardinals, blue jays, mourning doves and (especially) sparrows.

Those who follow this blog also know that The Driver has had to deal with more bird poop than he ever signed up for. But soon, bird poop took a back seat to another problem faced by many an amateur (read: by choice or otherwise) home bird watcher.

Squirrels.

Apparently, within the subculture that is home bird watching, the squirrel is persona non grata. As The Driver soon learned, they steal birdseed. In fact, they chew their way into decorative plastic outdoor storage bins to get to birdseed. Really. Chewed right through the dang thing.

Squirrels also chatter at birds and drive them away. And once they've had their fill of ill-gotten birdseed, the squirrels have also been known to sprawl out on their bellies and nap like The Driver after a big Thanksgiving dinner.

The subculture that is home bird watching has gone to great lengths to deal with the problem of squirrels. Squirrel-proof bird feeders abound -- as do an assortment of homespun "anti-squirrel" products.

But I digress. The Drivers had a squirrel problem. And not to mention a bird poop problem. As one can expect, Mrs. Driver was not amenable to The Driver's first suggestion: stop feeding wild animals in the courtyard. And so, The Driver found himself at Wild Birds Unlimited -- a store where people spend money in order to attract wild animals to their homes.

The Driver explained his squirrel problem, and received a knowing nod from the clerk at Wild Birds Unlimited. "Well," he said with a grin, "if you want birds, but you don't want squirrels in the birdseed, you have two options. You can feed the squirrels, or you can kill them."

Imagine Mrs. Driver's glee when she discovered she could FEED the cute, fuzzy squirrels!

So, we bought a squirrel feeder.

And it's kinda cool.

The Driver would go into detail about how it works, but A) it's somewhat self-explanatory (Squirrel steps on lever, opens lid, eats peanuts. Squirrel steps off lever, lid closes, peanuts are weather-proofed); B) The Bobble-Head needs a clean diaper.