Welcome to The Driver's Life

Culver's is Delicious, Confusing

The Drivers became fans of Culver's while on vacation in Minnesota. On a highway just north of Moose Lake, we saw a billboard that advertised something called a "ButterBurger". We weren't sure what that meant, but we were certain that we needed to find out.

Note: The Driver later learned that the inspiration for the "ButterBurger" might be this place — where the burger is actually served swimming in an obscene amount of butter. Culver's might put something similar to butter on its buns prior to grilling, but in no way does that compare to an actual "ButterBurger". The Driver will be trying a true "ButterBurger" as soon as possible.

Anyhow, The Drivers also learned that the Wisconsin-born burger chain sells not only "ButterBurgers", but frozen custard as well. And that in addition to chocolate and vanilla frozen custard, Culver's offers a Flavor of the Day.

All that to show you this — a photo of a Culver's sign:

The Drivers opted for chocolate custard over "BBQ Brisket".

And as long as we're dissecting the Culver's sign, it has always been The Driver's opinion that the company should have paid the extra $5 per sign for an ampersand after the word "Custard". Or perhaps splurged on the word "and" in front of "ButterBurgers".

Instead, The Driver pores over the concept of a "Frozen Custard ButterBurger".

Mmm... Frozen Burger...

New Taco Bell Item Not to Be Confused with "Cheesy Megadeth Taco"

Oh, Hey, Former Neighbor

Mrs. Driver likes sports. This includes the Dallas Mavericks basketball franchise. And before he got traded to the Phoenix Suns basketball franchise, it also included our neighbor Steve.

Steve — along with his roommate, Dirk — lived two blocks away from The Drivers in a moderately priced apartment in an urban setting. One time, The Drivers saw Steve and Dirk at the local market. Another time, Mrs. Driver almost ran over Steve and Dirk as they crossed the street between their apartment and the local mixed-use development.

And then there was the time when the Mavericks got kicked out of the playoffs (Or was it the NBA Finals? Who can remember?). By that time, Steve had moved to a condo literally one street over from The Drivers. The day after the humiliating defeat, The Driver was driving to the grocery store when he spotted a tall, disheveled man shuffling along on the side of the road. He wore ratty, cut-off jean shorts and a wrinkled t-shirt. His long hair was unkempt. Hello? Split ends anyone?

The seemingly homeless man in question was none other than our neighbor Steve.

The Driver suppressed the urge to roll down his window and offer the poor man a lift.

Between you and The Driver, Mrs. Driver probably still likes our neighbor Steve. Especially when he does stuff like this.

Don't ask questions. Just enjoy.

The Driver thinks basketball is okay. But he thinks his neighbor Steve is kind of a genius. Even if he plays for the wrong basketball franchise.

A Welcome Break from Pet Accidents

This morning, The Bobble-Head awoke right on schedule for her 5:45 AM feeding. Why she can't wait another 45 minutes or an hour for one of her parents to finish a REM cycle is another matter.

Anywho, The Driver stumbled downstairs to find a snack — and to check the hardwood floors for the usual dog urine, cat hairball, dog feces, cat urine, dog vomit, cat feces or other pet-related calamity.

Imagine The Driver's nano-second of surprise (immediately replaced by utter submission and soul-draining numbness) when instead he found a bright red liquid all over the kitchen floor. Said liquid had found a path of least resistance in the grout lines of The Drivers' tile floor. It pooled in the grout and flowed to a wall across the room, staining the caulk between the baseboards and flooring — and not to mention the grout itself.

A very mild curiosity — just enough to momentarily quell the defeat and hopelessness — caused The Driver to trace the flow of bright red liquid to the refrigerator. Inside, deep in the very back on the top shelf, The Driver found an unopened glass bottle of cranberry juice. Apparently, the unused juice sat completely dormant for several months until sometime in the middle of last night. At that point, the bottom of the bottle gave way — and a liter or so of cranberry juice drained through the fridge.

The Driver spent the rest of the morning mopping up cranberry juice from the tile floor — and then spent his lunch hour cleaning the inside of the fridge. Only some stale strawberries and an unopened container of yogurt from the Clinton administration had to be tossed.

At least The Driver didn't have to clean up excrement. For that, there's always tomorrow.

In Your Grocer's "Personal" Area

So... Many... Jokes...

Half-Hearted (but Funny) Re-Post

The Driver is a bit under the weather — both literally and figuratively. First, there's snow outside — so it's a good day to sit indoors and observe. Second, The Driver has the crud.

So, please enjoy this borrowed greatness courtesy of The View from Up Here :

Welcome, Contributing Blogger

And now, in her first-ever blog post, here's The Driverette :

xzx xddΩΩΩ , u N BVC2 B MH D GX

Take that, html.

And keyboard.

The Driver is impressed by how the Bobble-Head was able to pull off the "omega" symbol. Nice work, there, kiddo. She's also a fan of the "Tab" key and the "Caps Lock". Apparently, they're delicious.

Happy New Post

Only four weeks between posts. Not bad. The Driver would resolve to post more in 2010, but really -- who are we kidding?

Second. Worst. Post. Ever.

A few more sitcoms / TV shows from The Driver's youth:

The Jeffersons

Alice

WKRP in Cincinnati

Laverne & Shirley

Hee-Haw

Worst. Post. Ever.

The Ticket -- The Driver's sports talk radio station of choice -- did a segment this morning about sitcoms.

The Driver started thinking about all of the sitcoms he watched as a child.

Here, then, is a list of those sitcoms. In no particular order, because assigning some kind of order to a list of sitcoms might add interest to this post.

M*A*S*H*

Welcome Back, Kotter

The Beverly Hillbillies

Gilligan's Island

Happy Days

Gomer Pyle

Three's Company

Diff'rent Strokes

The Bob Newhart Show

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Rhoda

All in the Family

Sanford & Son

That's all The Driver can recall. Plus, the Bobble-Head is fussing.

The Day in Excrement

A typical daily chronology for The Driver, expressed in terms of the handling of human and animal waste matter:

3:30 AM Change wet diaper

3:45 AM Scoop cat feces from litter box

3:46 AM Clean cat urine from floor next to litter box

(Cat protesting lack of food)

6:45 AM Change wet diaper

6:47 AM Clean dog urine from living room floor

7:00 AM Collect dog urine sample for veterinarian

7:04 AM Pick up dog feces

7:12 AM Scoop cat feces from litter box

7:13 AM Change wet diaper

8:13 AM Change wet diaper

8:42 AM Change wet diaper

9:05 AM Deliver dog urine (in Tupperware container) to veterinarian

for urinalysis (Diagnosis: bladder infection. Treatment: costly.)

9:14 AM Change wet diaper

10:28 AM Change wet diaper

11:00 AM Change "poopy" diaper

11:47 AM Change wet diaper

12:17 PM Change wet diaper

1:00 PM Change wet diaper

1:01 PM Clean baby urine from changing table

(Baby urinates during changing)

1:56 PM Change wet diaper

3:12 PM Change wet diaper

4:00 PM Change wet diaper

5:00 PM Observe dogs urinating, pick up dog feces

5:07 PM Scoop clumps of cat urine from litter box

5:22 PM Change wet diaper

6:07 PM Change wet diaper

7:13 PM Change wet diaper

8:48 PM Scoop cat feces from litter box

9:15 PM Observe dogs urinating, pick up dog feces

10:27 PM Change wet diaper

Wildlife 1, The Driver 0

Those who follow this blog know that Mrs. Driver has a soft spot for animals. The Drivers rescued a pigeon from the side of an expressway, raised it in our courtyard until it was mature enough to fly away, and rejoiced when it returned with a friend.

That's when Mrs. Driver started feeding birds. The pigeons abandoned us after just three days without birdseed. Ungrateful punks. But somewhere along the way, the pigeons were replaced by a wide variety (and an even more impressive quantity) of bird species -- namely cardinals, blue jays, mourning doves and (especially) sparrows.

Those who follow this blog also know that The Driver has had to deal with more bird poop than he ever signed up for. But soon, bird poop took a back seat to another problem faced by many an amateur (read: by choice or otherwise) home bird watcher.

Squirrels.

Apparently, within the subculture that is home bird watching, the squirrel is persona non grata. As The Driver soon learned, they steal birdseed. In fact, they chew their way into decorative plastic outdoor storage bins to get to birdseed. Really. Chewed right through the dang thing.

Squirrels also chatter at birds and drive them away. And once they've had their fill of ill-gotten birdseed, the squirrels have also been known to sprawl out on their bellies and nap like The Driver after a big Thanksgiving dinner.

The subculture that is home bird watching has gone to great lengths to deal with the problem of squirrels. Squirrel-proof bird feeders abound -- as do an assortment of homespun "anti-squirrel" products.

But I digress. The Drivers had a squirrel problem. And not to mention a bird poop problem. As one can expect, Mrs. Driver was not amenable to The Driver's first suggestion: stop feeding wild animals in the courtyard. And so, The Driver found himself at Wild Birds Unlimited -- a store where people spend money in order to attract wild animals to their homes.

The Driver explained his squirrel problem, and received a knowing nod from the clerk at Wild Birds Unlimited. "Well," he said with a grin, "if you want birds, but you don't want squirrels in the birdseed, you have two options. You can feed the squirrels, or you can kill them."

Imagine Mrs. Driver's glee when she discovered she could FEED the cute, fuzzy squirrels!

So, we bought a squirrel feeder.

And it's kinda cool.

The Driver would go into detail about how it works, but A) it's somewhat self-explanatory (Squirrel steps on lever, opens lid, eats peanuts. Squirrel steps off lever, lid closes, peanuts are weather-proofed); B) The Bobble-Head needs a clean diaper.

The Driver's Brain is Officially Full

No vacancy. Closed for business. Sold out. Ocupado.

The Driver's mind has reached its maximum storage capacity.

No more information can enter without some other piece of information leaving.

If The Driver needs to memorize another phone number*, for example, he must first click "OK" and send his wedding anniversary date to the mental recycle bin.

Remember the name of a potential business contact? Must forget how to spell "towel."

Still discovering new quirks in the system. There seems to be no control over either the new information that is retained, or the existing data that is losed.

Loozed?

Opposite of found.

* The Driver does keep a few phone numbers stored in the iPhone and on the computer. In the past, he has not trusted these devices to do a better job of storing such data than his own brain. Unfortunately, technology seems to be winning. He now has trouble remembering numbers saved in speed dial.

The Driver's Missed Career Opportunities

According to an interest inventory taken in 1987, The Driver should be gainfully employed in (and completely fulfilled by) one of the following careers:

3. Architect.

2. Florist.

1. Long-distance Bus Driver.

During his senior year of high school, The Driver also received a letter from Texas A&M University — touting the rewarding opportunities in the field of Poultry Science.

The Driver's Driving Résumé

1. Pizza Delivery Driver

2. Ice Delivery Driver

3. Flower Delivery Driver