Culver's is Delicious, Confusing

The Drivers became fans of Culver's while on vacation in Minnesota. On a highway just north of Moose Lake, we saw a billboard that advertised something called a "ButterBurger". We weren't sure what that meant, but we were certain that we needed to find out.

Note: The Driver later learned that the inspiration for the "ButterBurger" might be this place — where the burger is actually served swimming in an obscene amount of butter. Culver's might put something similar to butter on its buns prior to grilling, but in no way does that compare to an actual "ButterBurger". The Driver will be trying a true "ButterBurger" as soon as possible.

Anyhow, The Drivers also learned that the Wisconsin-born burger chain sells not only "ButterBurgers", but frozen custard as well. And that in addition to chocolate and vanilla frozen custard, Culver's offers a Flavor of the Day.

All that to show you this — a photo of a Culver's sign:

The Drivers opted for chocolate custard over "BBQ Brisket".

And as long as we're dissecting the Culver's sign, it has always been The Driver's opinion that the company should have paid the extra $5 per sign for an ampersand after the word "Custard". Or perhaps splurged on the word "and" in front of "ButterBurgers".

Instead, The Driver pores over the concept of a "Frozen Custard ButterBurger".

Mmm... Frozen Burger...

New Taco Bell Item Not to Be Confused with "Cheesy Megadeth Taco"

In Your Grocer's "Personal" Area

So... Many... Jokes...

Where The Driver Relieves Himself on the Road

The Drivers don't go to Houston very often. Probably need to do that more. Because what is otherwise a fairly tedious and uneventful drive was unexpectedly brightened by a new (to us) roadside phenomenon.

About an hour outside of our home burg, we started seeing billboards. The first one:

Intriguing. But not as curious as the one that promised something called "Beaver Nuggets."

The Drivers were hooked.

And so, we decided to stop at Buc-ee's and have a look.

Thirty minutes (and about forty bucks) later, The Driver reluctantly got back in the car. Something about his mother-in-law running a marathon, and we had to make it to Houston in time for blah, blah, blah. Seriously, don't Mrs. Driver and The Driver's mother-in-law run enough marathons? Look! I can make my own fountain drink! Dr Pepper with cherry syrup! Ooh... coffee mugs with quotes by John Wayne! Can I have it? Can I?

Buc-ee's is a monument to all things Texas truck stop. Only better. Not only is it sparkling clean and stocked to the ceiling with convenience store goodies, it's a general store loaded with country kitsch, Texana and darn near anything else you can imagine.

Next door? Buc-ee's Outdoor store. Where one can apparently buy deer corn.

In addition to the homemade fudge, Buc-ee's also sells jalapeno relish, jerky and the afforementioned "Beaver Nuggets":

Admittedly, The Driver found Beaver Nuggets to be better in theory than in practice. But he would never want to diminish your Buc-ee's experience. Instead, The Driver suggests that you load up the Family Truckster pronto and high-tail it to Buc-ee's.

After all, in the words of The Duke (at least, according to one coffee mug), "A man's got to do what a man's got to do."

Special thanks to Buc-ee's advertising agency for unknowingly letting me swipe an image from their Flickr page. Buc-ee's is obviously a great client with a sense of humor — and these guys took the ball and ran with it.

Speaking of Old Shows...

The Driver found this link today:

betamaxmas.com

Looks like a great waste of a few good hours. Maybe tonight after the Passenger goes to sleep.

Can't Stop Thinking About This

In a series of commercials for AT&T LaptopConnect, announcer Bill Kurtis challenges athletes to a test of Web-browsing speed.

But that's not important.

What matters is the manner in which Mr. Kurtis deftly slings his laptop around with grace and impunity -- as if the thing was a prop made out of plastic and weighed less than two ounces.

Click here to view the spot.

The Driver is fascinated not only by the "Lap-Prop"©, but also any products in commercials that have to be held in a certain way by the actors in the spots. See especially: boxes of pain reliever, cheeseburgers, beer bottles and anything bearing a label or logo that must be perfectly played to the camera.

If one looks closely, one will often see that the product appears to be Super-glued to the actor's fingers and/or hand -- ensuring a pleasing and proper grip that doesn't obscure the brand or leave extraneous pinkie fingers awkwardly poking out all over the place.

Watch the hand that Bill Kurtis uses to hold his laptop (or see the photo above). Doesn't it look like he's holding the thing by two fingers? Imagine trying to hold your laptop computer that way. Now imagine holding it straight down by your side for ten seconds while you introduce Andy Roddick -- and then casually curling it up to your waist, ready to surf the Web faster than a tennis pro. It looks almost super-human.

The Driver once tried to pick up his PowerBook G4 laptop with one hand -- and nearly re-aggravated his 1994 volleyball injury. Of course, the thing is five years old and runs Microsoft Office 2004. It weighs almost as much as the Mini Driver. And like your family's first VCR, it has woodgrain. So it's possible that today's laptops could be very light.

Executively Posted Addendum

A single sentence might destroy The Driver. It's so bad, he can't even clearly articulate its shortcomings. Of course, it was early in the morning, and The Driver hadn't had his Dr Pepper.

In the previous post, The Driver makes the shocking accusation that a radio spot for the new 4-door Porsche Panamera lists "a second row of... passengers" as standard equipment.

Upon reading the sentence no fewer than 17 more times, The Driver concedes that the radio spot is not technically incorrect.

Here's the sentence again:

And with the addition of a second row of executively seated passengers, there's no end to the rules you can break.

While the passengers are still described as being seated "executively," the sentence does not claim that Porsche added them to the vehicle. Instead, the listener is meant to infer that he or she should add a second row of passengers, make sure that they are seated executively, and then go out and break some rules.

The spot further suggests that the Porsche Panamera enables the user to break rules -- especially with the addition of a second row of executively seated passengers. It is not clear whether the word "rules" refers to the traffic laws in the customer's particular jurisdiction -- or whether the consumer and his passengers are simply supposed to drive around in a Panamera and challenge established social norms. While seated executively.

The Driver really should be focusing on paying work right now. But this stupid Porsche ad has him hot under the advertising collar. Here's why:

1. When the suits win, the brand loses. No copywriter in his right mind would ever choose the word "executively" to describe seats, passengers or an effing set of golf clubs. It's barely a word. It's clumsy. And it's merely some product manager's idea of saying something classy. This abomination of a sentence in an otherwise Porsche-quality radio spot was written by a suit -- and when a copywriter tried to edit it back into English, the suit held a gun to the copywriter's head and threatened to make him/her write table tents at Chili's for the rest of his/her career. When suits start writing the brand copy, the brand loses touch with its audience. And even if that audience may, in fact, be comprised entirely of suits (and prefer to sit executively as opposed to traditionally), they still don't appreciate being patronized.

2. Jargon wins. And don't get The Driver started on jargon. He has given lectures on avoiding jargon. He has dedicated a good portion of his life to eliminating jargon from marketing. And if he gets started on jargon for the sake of a silly blog post, he's going to blow a deadline. Jargon always ruins everything. Always. Everything. Period.

Good grammar. There is no substitute.

Above: The new 4-door Porsche Panamera boasts an array of poorly-described features -- and some very surprising additions.

Porsche just introduced a new 4-door performance sedan -- and with it, the end of advertising as we know it.

For years, Porsche has set a standard in the advertising community for smart, sophisticated and deftly executed branding. Art directors and copywriters hang Porsche print ads in their cubicles like rock posters or album covers. And back in the 1980s, Tom Cruise permanently cemented the Porsche slogan in the cultural lexicon.

Now, with the release of its campaign for the 4-door Panamera, Porsche throws it in reverse, grinds the gears and awkwardly backs into a telephone pole.

Below is the copy for a Panamera radio spot that's currently in rotation. See if you can find the one word that ruins everything.

No one has the capacity to break the rules more than Porsche. And now, the new Panamera. The legendary sports car driving experience built for four. The staggering Porsche power is unmistakably present. As is the relentlessly precise handling. And with the addition of a second row of executively seated passengers, there's no end to the rules you can break. Porsche. There is no substitute.

Did you find it? The Driver did. In fact, had The Driver not been sorting laundry when he first heard this spot on the radio, he might have swerved his 2000 Toyota Tacoma off the road and into a ditch.

"Executively"?

Yes.

Executively.

Unfortunately, it's actually a word. Really. The Driver looked it up. He was shocked. And not happy.

Fortunately, "no one has the capacity to break the rules more than Porsche." Apparently, this not only applies to the laws of car making, but also to the rules of advertising, grammar, communication, and all that's holy.

That brings us to the grammar problem. Because that awful, awful word isn't even used correctly. The ad promises "a second row of executively seated passengers." This literally means that the passengers themselves are somehow seated... executively. Does this mean their legs are crossed? Ankle-to-knee, or knee-over-knee? Are they somehow uptight? The Driver thinks of most executives as stuffy and humorless. Are they even enjoying the fact that they're seated executively?

Wait a minute.

On further review, The Driver wonders whether Porsche isn't setting itself up for a world of hurt. Again, the ad promises "the addition of a second row of executively seated passengers".

In other words, the car comes with extra people in the back seat.

Does the customer at least get to choose the passengers? Are they available in an array of colors? Are the passengers volunteers or paid employees? Is the customer responsible for their healthcare benefits? Seeing as how they're seated so executively, that could be costly.

Bottom line, someone had better check this out with the ACLU.

The Driver thinks that Porsche meant to suggest that the second row of seats in the new Panamera are "executively appointed". He thinks that means "leather", but he can't be sure. His 2000 Toyota Tacoma boasts only one row of seats, and they are only blue-collarly appointed. Also, it has no more than two passengers at any given time, none of which came standard with the vehicle.

Every choice has consequences. Here are the consequences of Porsche's decision to go with "executively":

1. A Porsche Product Manager quietly closes his thesaurus, leans back in his chair and smiles with self-satisfaction. He has captured the essence of the seating experience in the Panamera in a way that's never been articulated.

2. Several attorneys in Porsche's legal department read a copy of the radio script and (after a number of emails and at least one conference call with the account executive at Porsche's ad agency) decide it's safe to claim that passengers in the Panamera might be seated executively. Except in Georgia.

3. An account executive reads the script, circles the word "executively" and draws a smiley face next to it. She's not sure whether that's an actual word, but she knows it's different. She decides to pitch it to her steakhouse client -- thinking that the audience would appreciate the value of an "executive-chefly-prepared" $5 buffet.

4. An entire generation of marketing writers begin hawking "a vast array of world-class, executively-customized solutions" to meet their customers' needs.

5. A copywriter quietly deposits his paycheck at his bank, drives to the nearest bar, drinks four beers, drives home, and kicks his dog.