Braum's Makes Ice Cream Depressing

The Driver family has started frequenting our local Braum's ice cream parlors. Specifically, there are two locations within a few miles of our home. Mrs. Driver enjoys the fresh-squeezed limeade. The Driver opts for the peanut butter hot fudge sundae. Because "...just the name sounds awesome and it is!"

Sadly, Braum's is not what it used to be.

Store #1, for example, has a credit card reader mounted on the exterior of the building below the drive-thru window. Taped to the device is a sign that reads: "Credit card machine will be fixed soon." The Drivers haven't returned to this location to determine how "soon" -- if ever -- the card reader will be repaired.

Store #2:

- Average age of adult customers: 107. Average age of youth customers: somewhere between "obnoxious" and "unruly".

- Average demeanor of staff: Surly.

- Guy Who Looks Like The Driver's Uncle invades The Driver's personal space by standing too close to The Driver in line.

Store #2 is currently offering a product called the "Sundae Driver". It's an ice cream sundae in a delicious, portable waffle cone. As the name suggests, this allows octogenarians to eat an ice cream sundae "on the go" (read: while operating a motor vehicle). It also means that the average beaten-down, low-rent Braum's patron can drive with his or her Sundae Driver in one hand -- leaving the other hand free for a cell phone and cigarette. This advanced technique is not recommended for older customers. One must hold the Sundae Driver with only the thumb, pinky and ring fingers -- while the cigarette dangles between the index and middle fingers.

In other words, don't try this at home -- and most definitely do not try this in the store. The Sundae Driver is recommended only for those "on the go."

Intermediate Spelling: $75

3,500 Years of Human Progress

The Driver recently visited the King Tutankhamun exhibit in Dallas, and was relieved to find that the spirit of human ingenuity and capitalism are alive and well.

Sadly, the event also marked the passing of our dignity.

While the famed "Golden Mask" or funerary mask — arguably the single most recognizable icon of the ancient Egyptian tombs — was noticeably absent from the display, organizers of "Tutankhamen and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs" made sure that the exhibit shop was well-stocked with assorted King Tut trash.

Including the item shown above.

T-shirts are understandable. Coffee-table books and DVDs are practical, informative and entertaining. Even the King Tut bobble-head doll was pretty funny (though poorly executed).

The tissue holder defies... Well, it defies a lot of things.

Then again, that's part of the reason for the exhibition, is it not? We need to raise some important questions about the life and mysterious death of the "Boy King."

Specifically:

What inspired the tissue holder? Did King Tut have a sinus condition?

While recent tests and earlier theories have given us much insight into Tutankhamen's age and physical health at the time of his sudden death, little is known about his allergies. Exhaustive studies of the hieroglyphs in Tut's tomb have not revealed evidence of the ancient ruler blowing his nose or dabbing watery eyes with papyrus or cloth. We can only speculate that the decision to produce a tissue holder as a tribute to one of history's most significant political and religious figures was driven by the need for modern suburban humans to accessorize their own dwellings with tasteless kitsch.

Why the placement of the tissue... er... hole?

Working theories: 1) Delightful narrative subtext in which tissue is dispensed from the nose — a subtle nod to its typical use in or around the nose; 2) Central location of nostrils on the human face closely matches the position of hole in center of tissue box; 3) Reference to the embalming and mummification process, during which the brain of the deceased was removed through the nose with a long, thin, hooked instrument. Embalmers may have used Kleenex (or similar material, such as Puffs with aloe and vitamin E) to plug the nostrils or clean up any residual gray matter; 4) Toilet paper dispenser featuring another "Boy King" orifice tested poorly in focus groups.

Who buys this crap?

This remains a question for the ages — and one that threatens to overshadow the mysteries of Tutankhamen himself.

Is King Tut rolling in his grave?

Well, Tut's body has been exhumed, unwrapped, subjected to X-rays and CT scans, then returned unclad to its original resting place. That's kind of like rolling, isn't it?

Wrong on So Many Levels

To the Good Samaritan Who "Witnessed" The Driver's Fender Bender:

Dear Mac Payne (214-564-2682),

First, I must apologize for using your real name -- and including your phone number -- in this post.

On second thought, I don't apologize for that.

Anyway, just wanted to write to say, "Thank you." 

Thank you for stopping to render aid to a dumb broad who couldn't avoid hitting a 3/4 ton pickup that was (at the time of the aforementioned fender bender) situated perpendicular to the road and in (presumably) plain sight.

Okay. I was making a three-point turn. I backed up into the lane occupied by said broad. I stopped. I realized that there was a vehicle approaching. And what happens next is (in this Driver's opinion) very important: I had time to say at least one very choice word, throw the truck into "Drive," punch the gas, and lurch forward about a foot and a half in an effort to avoid... Boom.

Understandably, reaction times vary among drivers. Especially aging, gold-digging, privileged drivers with Cadillac SUVs and a sense of entitlement. To be fair, in the time it took me to recognize the situation and begin to react, she probably had to hang up with her hairdresser, put down her gin and tonic, dial her best friend from her bridge club, announce that she was about to drive headlong into a truck parked in the middle of the street, hang up the cell phone once again and, in the words of The Driver's grandfather (in reference to female drivers), "powder her nose and light up a cigarette" before... Boom.

His words, not mine. The words "dumb broad" are mine. But not the part about stereotypical female behavior. The Driver knows plenty of women who are highly competent drivers. He's aware of their abilities because they frequently use riding in the car with The Driver as an opportunity to compare and contrast their superior driving and navigation skills. It's almost as if before meeting these lovely, intelligent women, The Driver had never operated a motor vehicle.

I digress.

Now, if someone* can tell The Driver that every driver involved in any accident in which that driver was in the process of, had completed, or had ever contemplated backing up at any point in time on the day in question is liable for any damages that are caused or might ever be caused by the act of operating a vehicle in reverse, then The Driver accepts full responsibility. I backed up. There. I said it.

But I did NOT back up into the Dumb Broad's (We can capitalize now, can't we?) Cadillac SUV. When the Dumb Broad drove into The Driver's truck, The Driver was swearing and driving forward.

And that, dear Mr. Mac Payne, is where you come in.

Before The Driver could even powder his nose, light  up a cigarette and exit his truck, you appeared. No doubt you were checking the Dumb Broad's vital signs, establishing an airway, or attending to whatever made-up injuries she didn't suffer when she plowed into The Driver's vehicle at an astonishing (and estimated) 14 MPH.

Immediately, you assessed the situation.

Then, along with Ms. Broad, you invented a completely different one.

And then, without talking to or even acknowledging the other Driver involved in the accident, you left.

And then came the lying.

The Dumb Broad contacted The Driver's insurance company with your new version of "what happened." According to Ms. Broad, The Driver "backed into" her Cadillac SUV.

You, Mr. Payne, enthusiastically corroborated Ms. Broad's account of the accident. After all, you were a "Witness." Some might say that's different from an "involved party." But apparently, those people are merely interested in deciphering the facts -- and are not hired to be insurance claims adjusters. Because the claims adjuster for the Dumb Broad's insurance carrier -- Surprise! -- agreed with your version of the truth. Probably because they're paid to agree with their policy holders.

But your expert testimony sent any lingering doubt out the window. From there, it was a simple matter of, "The Guy Who Might Have Been Backing Up That Day (and Who Isn't Insured by the Dumb Broad's Carrier) Did It."

[ Note to the Adjuster: You are worthy of an entire post of your own, complete with your name and telephone number. If there is a less honorable job on earth, I'm not aware of it. But The Driver is getting so fatigued that he can only manage to offer the following: Consider this. Damage to The Driver's 2000 Toyota Tacoma: Left rear corner. Damage to Dumb Broad's Cadillac SUV: Front grille, slightly left of center. Had The Driver "backed into" the Cadillac, then wouldn't the Cadillac have been damaged on its side? And wouldn't the Tacoma have sustained damage to the rear bumper, below the tailgate? And while we're at it, does anyone actually inspect the damage to either vehicle at all? Or are we operating entirely on hearsay these days? Because had I known that I needed to lie to keep from having to pay higher insurance premiums, I would have written, rehearsed and recited a whopper. And you'd better believe it would have involved space aliens, three neighborhood kids and The Driver's dog. Oh, and did I mention that I wasn't driving the Tacoma that day? It was the Bentley. And I'm going to need that replaced. ]

And so, Mr. Mac Payne (214-564-2682), your contribution to society has not gone unnoticed. You are most definitely not a waste of space. And you certainly have every right to stand up for what you might or might not have seen, and to spew forth your myopic and subjective opinion as if it were irrefutable fact. Well done, fellow citizen. You can rest easy knowing that you rescued some ignorant old hag from herself, and that the evil, evil Driver in the sinister black truck will pay for whatever it is he did. Or didn't do. Who cares? Because after all, it's not about what happened. It's about assigning blame and eschewing responsibility. And together with that poor, hapless victim and her pretty Cadillac with the nasty boo-boo, you've succeeded brilliantly on both counts. What kind of world would it be if people actually had to pay for the damages they caused? Certainly not a world that you or Ms. Broad are ready to live in, that's for sure.

*Someone who is familiar with the motor vehicle laws in The Driver's home state, and who is not an insurance claims adjuster.

The Driver Kisses Girl, Likes It

Writing from his home in the Blogosphere, located on the World Wide Web, The Driver announced today that he not only kissed a girl, but also found the experience to be enjoyable.

"I kissed a girl, and I liked it," said The Driver, 40.

The Driver went on to repeat the statement several times in succession, singing the words in the form of a catchy melody, or "hook." Later, the words were replaced with humming and / or whistling.

The "girl" cited is most likely Mrs. Driver, whom The Driver first kissed in 2001, and whom he subsequently married on this day in 2004.

In an unrelated story, Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" is currently ranked #1 on the Billboard Hot 100. The controversial pop song is in heavy radio rotation, and can also be heard playing in an endless loop inside The Driver's brain.

Corporate America Gives Up, Goes With Helvetica

In a move that could signal the end of Graphic Design as we know it, Corporate America recently announced that it has given up and gone with Helvetica.

Suburbia-based Frito-Lay Company was chosen as the beta site for Corporate America's new "anti-design" campaign — the goal of which appears to be the standardization of product packaging. And by "product packaging," Corporate America emphasized, "All product packaging. On Planet Earth. And resistance is futile."

In a very, very carefully prepared statement — confusingly set in Arial — Corporate America outlined its plan to eliminate "style" from the American visual language.

"We feel that Helvetica brings forward a best-in-class solution for the packaging needs of Frito-Lay. Scaleable and future-proof, the font uniquely positions Frito-Lay to deliver best practices and thought leadership going forward. This is a win-win for stakeholders and consumers, enabling world-class, mission-critical synergies."

The announcement by Corporate America and Frito-Lay makes a powerful statement about the healthy state of Design by Committee. The popular phenomenon, which has spawned such marketing axioms as, "Make the Hieroglyph Bigger!" and, "My mistress doth detest orange," has successfully used fear of the unknown, extreme fear of criticism and lowest-common-denominator thinking to right the sinking ships formerly known as Originality, Creativity, Graphic Design and Branding.

Working with their agency-of-the-moment, DezEYEn Group, Frito-Lay reviewed hundreds of iterations, finally selecting Helvetica for its detached, informative quality.

"We completely immersed ourselves in the creative process on this one," said DezEYEn's Client Satisfaction Officer. "Frito-Lay was obsessed with getting it just right. At one point, we printed out the words, 'Sour Cream and Onion' using every font on our computers. They weren't settling for a recommendation based on shelf appeal or product differentiation. So we tested and re-tested in focus groups until we found the one typeface that not only captures the product's core business strategy and metrics, but also the one font that everyone we asked could consistently agree upon. By creating synergies with actual consumers in a highly controlled and artificial environment, we were able to manage risk and bring the best solution forward. That's when we knew we had found it — when everyone was comfortable. It's a real coup for DezEYEn's Client Satisfaction Team."

DezEYEn Group's Creative Director also saw the project as a watershed moment.

"I'm going to kill myself," he said.

The 43-year-old Creative Director oversaw the entire packaging initiative, which involved reading the Creative Brief to his design team — then spending the remaining sixteen weeks managing complaints, insubordination and several threats by junior designers to resign. Among the most challenging moments in the project came when he relayed the order from Frito-Lay to "Go ahead and bump it up to 56 points [from 55]."

"That's when I knew I would not live to see forty-four. Or even the end of the week," he recalled.

"The irony is, I started to set my suicide note in Helvetica. Now I can't even look at it. Those bastards even took Helvetica away from me. I have nothing left."

"I've wasted my life," he sobbed.

Others in the Graphic Design community mirror the CD's sentiments. Indeed, the apparent decision by Corporate America to eschew traditional typography has had its share of detractors — perhaps foremost among them being Typography itself.

"I don't know what these people want any more," remarked Typography from its home in 15th Century Europe. "You do the display fonts. You try custom lettering. We gave them Mistral, for Pete's sake. Then they pull this crap. Helvetica? To sell potato chips? I give up."

Typography stressed that there is nothing empirically wrong with Helvetica, and that it is, in fact, one of the most finely crafted typefaces ever created. The centuries-old art and science simply questioned Helvetica's appropriateness in this particular context. Typography also noted Corporate America's indelicate handling of the classic typeface, saying, "It's pretty hard to screw up Helvetica. And yet, they found a way."

When reached for comment, Helvetica was predictably humble.

"I was surprised to be chosen," the font admitted. "At the same time, consumers today are overwhelmed with choices. They can no longer take the time to decipher complex letter forms. They cannot even trust illustrations. When they want to purchase potato chips that taste like cheddar cheese and sour cream, they need to be able to clearly distinguish the words, 'Cheddar' and 'Sour Cream.' They also need to see a photograph — not only of the potato chips, but also of a potato much like the one used to make the chips. Further, the consumer needs to see a wedge of cheddar cheese, and a small bowl containing what one can safely assume to be sour cream."

"We must efficiently convey the information from the eye to the brain in as little time — and with as little distraction — as possible. This is what good information design dictates. Clarity. Logic. And, when the situation calls for it, a picture of a potato."

Designed in 1957 by Max Miedinger with Eduard Hoffman for the Haas Type Foundry, Helvetica became the poster child for simplicity in design. During the 1970s, the Swiss-born font enjoyed enormous popularity among Corporate Americans — representing such familiar brands as American Airlines, Exxon and that dry cleaner next to the locksmith. It achieved total saturation and ubiquity shortly thereafter, and was eventually relegated to punch line status. In recent years, however, the font has been part of a resurgence among design hipsters. In 2007, Helvetica was even the subject of the documentary "Helvetica."

"Helvetica has been a true partner in this process," said Corporate America. "The typeface was a bit reluctant at first. But when we explained how much money we spent on feasibility studies, the font understood that our decision must have been right. And we couldn't agree more. There is no better way to measure success than paying someone to tell you that you've succeeded. By farming out a paradigm-shifting branding initiative to the lowest bidder, exacting our will upon them, and then deferring in the end to the most inoffensive solution, we're satisfied that Frito-Lay's packaging — and our investment — are completely fail-safe."

Riding a wave of self-satisfaction following the Frito-Lay surrender, Corporate America announced its plans to dumb down "as many iconic brands as possible."

When asked what the future holds for Graphic Design, Typography could only speculate. "It's anybody's guess," said the craft. "As for me, I'll probably just go back to doing gig posters. Until somebody casts Remedy in hot metal type, I'm pretty safe doing letterpress work. I'm really into the whole retro thing anyway. As for corporate jobs, I'm over 'em."

Graphic Design could not be reached for comment.

Um...

Pop (Culture) Quiz :

Which of the following is worse :

1. Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer has a sex tape. 

2. The Driver clicked to watch it.

3. TMZ.com ran a commercial before the clip.

4. The commercial was for Hershey's chocolate bars.

5. It featured country music singer Brad Paisley.

CUE MUSIC : Brad Paisley guitar riffs

CLOSE-UP on a platter of Hershey's chocolate bars, marshmallows and graham crackers (the basic ingredients of s'mores).

SLOW PAN and ZOOM OUT as a frolicking twenty-something carries the platter to a waiting group of peers. They are gathered on a beach. It appears to be about 5:00PM. A country band (led by Brad Paisley) is playing for the impromptu beach party, mingling among the frolicking twenty-somethings. There are no amplifiers, instrument cables or sources of electricity to be found. Still, the band jams to its down-home brand of electrified country music as if it were fully "plugged in."

QUICK CUTS of frolicking twenty-somethings enjoying s'mores while dancing and listening to country music. Just a typical beach hoe-down with some raw s'mores in broad daylight.

MORE QUICK CUTS of frolicking, designed to prevent the viewer from noticing that there is no campfire on which to cook s'mores.

ANNOUNCER VO : [ Paraphrased ] Nothing tastes better on the beach at 5:00PM than uncooked s'mores -- especially when they're made with Hershey's chocolate! And especially when Brad Paisley or some guys with instruments are there! 

FOOD SHOT shows frolicking twenty-something pressing two graham crackers together, attempting to force a cold marshmallow and a hunk of Hershey's chocolate into something resembling a "s'more."

ANNOUNCER VO : [ Paraphrased ] And now, you can go to Brad Paisley's web site and read all about Hershey's chocolate. Don't ask questions! Just go there now! Eat country music! Listen to s'mores! Amen.

FADE TO BLACK

The commercial was so surreal that it actually worked. The Driver Googled "Hershey" + "Brad Paisley," and found that Brad Paisley's current tour is being sponsored by Hershey's chocolates. It all made perfect sense.

Unfortunately, The Driver was not able to find a link to the most bizarre commercial ever to run before a Verne Troyer sex tape. He even went back and played the clip again (just to see if he could get a link to the commercial, of course).

This time, the Verne Troyer sex tape was brought to you by Friskies cat food.

The Driver did not stick around to watch the clip again.