In Your Grocer's "Personal" Area

So... Many... Jokes...

Wow. Has it Been That Long?

Mrs. Driver made chocolate chip cookies again last night.

You know what that means.

(If you don't know what that means, please click here.)

(Even if you do, in fact, know what that means, please click here anyway. Because aw, yeah.)

Handles and Wheels in 2012

The Driver wants a new law. 

Resolved: Any object over 50 lbs. in weight, or any item larger than a carry-on bag shall be manufactured with handles and/or wheels.

Example: The Driver's queen-size mattress. The Driver's $25 twin mattress from college had handles. But for some reason, his $600, pillow-top, extra-deep-never-flip-comfort-deluxe-gold-inlaid-diamond-encrusted queen-size mattress has no handles. Or wheels, for that matter. Its weight is somewhat manageable, but its size makes it extremely unwieldy. Under The Driver's proposed law, such a mattress would be fitted with mandatory handles and/or wheels.

Example: The Driver's outdated entertainment center (below). The Driver recently had to move this item from a second-floor bedroom -- down a flight of stairs with a switchback / landing. The only thing worse than moving this six-foot, 200-lb. block of medium density fiberboard downstairs was hauling it up there in the first place. It was during the latter exercise when Mrs. Driver coined the term "Creative Swearing" -- which she used to describe a highly disjointed and extremely vociferous soliloquy wherein The Driver single-handedly invented roughly 37 new profanities. The entire event (and the aforementioned creative swearing) was brought about by the entertainment center's severe and blatant lack of handles and/or wheels. Again, with a new federal ordinance in place, manufacturers would be required to outfit such products with handles and/or wheels.

Above: The Driver's [Expletive] Entertainment Center, not equipped with handles and/or wheels. A proposed federal mandate would make handles and/or wheels on such [expletive] objects compulsory --- with manufacturers facing stiff penalties such as spending their time in the afterlife hauling their own poorly designed crap up and down an endless flight of stairs.

With support for The Driver's "Teleportation in 200X" campaign rapidly waning, The Driver hopes to alter his strategy to focus on a broader, more immediate issue. Since potholes and healthcare are taken, he has chosen to address the urgent and growing need for handles and wheels.

It's a good idea for America. And The Driver's sanity.

I'm Ready for My Microchip Now

For the past two presidential campaigns, The Driver has threatened to run for office on the "Teleportation in 200x*" platform.

Seriously. The Driver has family four hours away. And have we already covered the irony of the fact that The Driver doesn't so much enjoy "The Driving"?

Unfortunately, due to a significant lack of campaign funding — and not to mention the fact that the entirety of The Driver's research and development in the area of teleportation consists of The Driver declaring, "I need, like, teleportation" — his pursuit of his goals has failed to gain traction.

But that's another story.

Today, The Driver is embracing another imminent technological breakthrough. The Driver is ready for his microchip.

The Driver arrived at this conclusion when he recently had to travel to a neighboring country. Since The Driver does not have a work visa that would allow him to conduct business in said country, let's just assume that he traveled for "pleasure" — and that sitting in a two-hour meeting in a government office building could, under some circumstances, be described as "a pleasure."

The Driver's flight was scheduled to depart at about 1:30PM CDT (Central Driver Time). The Driver arrived at the airport at about 12:15, and proceeded to the ticket counter. He requested information on upgrading to something other than a middle seat next to the toilet. The agent suggested that The Driver try the self-check-in kiosk for upgrade options.

And so, The Driver walked over to the monitor to begin the check-in process.

And that's when The Driver realized that he was without his passport.

The Driver now knows that he can make the trip from the airport to The Condo in about 20 minutes. This information is filed under "Good to Know, but Moot," Because The Driver can't make it back to the airport with his passport in time for the cutoff / boarding.

Long story short, The Driver was able to travel standby later that day. So now, having a few hours of unanticipated free time — and not to mention being slightly traumatized by the experience of showing up at the airport for an international flight sans passport — The Driver decided he needed comfort food for lunch. And so, after stopping at The Condo to drop off his briefcase, he drove to his favorite cheeseburger drive-through.

Upon pulling up to the menu board / two-way communication device, The Driver realized he was without his debit card.

Left it in the briefcase. At The Condo.

And that's when The Driver decided he was ready for his microchip.

Things to put on the microchip:

1. Passport Information.

2. Debit Card Feature: Allows user / host to pay for cheeseburgers simply by pointing at the photo on the menu board. (May require monosyllabic grunt for confirmation / voice ID validation).

The Driver currently has no plans to run for elected office on a "A Car in Every Driveway and a Microchip in Every Cerebellum" platform. Once again, he cites a complete and total lack of funding.

* x = [ (election year) + 7 ]. The Driver knows that successful candidates set milestones that can only be reached after more than one term in office. See: JFK's promise to put a man on the moon within "the decade," or every mayor's vision of "a century where our children's children's children might be able to drive without hitting potholes."

Behold the Future of Nutrition

Above: The Driver's Proprietary Cookie Dough Snack, Copyright 2008 by The Driver. All rights reserved by the magic of the Internet.

Over the weekend, Mrs. Driver made chocolate chip cookies for her co-workers and some neighbors. The Driver loves it when Mrs. Driver makes chocolate chip cookies, mostly because he gets to "test" the cookie dough. 

Mrs. Driver was on her second batch of cookies, and The Driver was on about his third spoonful of cookie dough. And that's when he was suddenly blind-sided by an overwhelming and powerful bolt of inspiration.

The idea was sublime. And it burst into The Driver's brain as a completely formed thought -- with no problem-solving or prior contemplation. All of a sudden, it was just there. And there was nothing The Driver could do to stop it.

"Put cookie dough on cookies. Make sandwich."

And so it was.

What's better than chocolate chip cookies? Cookie dough. And what's better than either of those things? Easy. 

"The Driver's Proprietary Cookie Dough Snack."

Now, The Driver acknowledges that it's not the most elegant of names. But that's partially by design. Because The Driver isn't willing to just toss this intellectual property carelessly into Cyberspace. So he's built in a few measures in order to protect the idea.

By reading this post, you (the Reader) agree to acknowledge The Driver and The Driver's Proprietary Cookie Dough Snack (the Product) each time you assemble and consume the Product in perpetuity throughout the universe.

Example: "Mommy, will you make The Driver's Proprietary Cookie Dough Snacks?"

Example: "Aren't these Proprietary Cookie Dough Snacks great? They're the sole property of The Driver, and cannot be consumed without The Driver's express written consent. Kind of like re-broadcasting Monday Night Football, only with far more dire consequences. Have some more!"

Example: "Mandy always brings The Driver's Proprietary Cookie Dough Snacks to the office party. She's such a show-off."

Example: "The Driver's Proprietary Cookie Dough Snacks changed my life. That guy must be rolling in money from those things. If only there were some way for me to send money to his blog or something. I'd gladly pay $19.99 for the license to make and consume them outside my home and without having to mention The Driver after each bite. But for now, it's a small price to pay for such an amazing and proprietary Cookie Dough Snack."

The Driver encourages you to try his Proprietary Cookie Dough Snack and post your comments. 

Also, please send money.

You're welcome.