Showing posts with label Baby Driver. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby Driver. Show all posts
August 12, 2010
June 13, 2010
January 13, 2010
Welcome, Contributing Blogger
And now, in her first-ever blog post, here's The Driverette :
xzx xddΩΩΩ , u N BVC2 B MH D GX
Take that, html.
And keyboard.
The Driver is impressed by how the Bobble-Head was able to pull off the "omega" symbol. Nice work, there, kiddo. She's also a fan of the "Tab" key and the "Caps Lock". Apparently, they're delicious.
December 16, 2009
New Category: Don't Make Me Stop This Car (or: Parenting for The Driver)
Friday was a little hectic for The Driver.
Scurrying from one appointment to the next, The Driver rushed into Chik Fil-A with Mrs. Driver for a quick lunch. As he walked into the restaurant from the parking lot, The Driver played back a voice mail from a colleague on his iPhone.
The colleague was going on for what seemed like quite a long time about some client that irritated The Driver. And so, The Driver responded to the colleague. And then made another comment. And then wondered why the colleague wasn't letting The Driver get a word in edge-wise.
"Man," thought The Driver. "What's up with [colleague]? I'm obviously irritated and trying to make a point, and he just keeps talking over me. Doesn't he have to pause for a breath or something?"
That's when The Driver realized he was trying to have a conversation with a voice mail message.
The Passenger is only partly to blame for this particular incident. That's because she wasn't the main cause of The Driver's distraction. It was, in fact, purchasing a new automobile for Mrs. Driver. But since the new vehicle will be more practical for the Bobble-Head, she is guilty by association.
Stay tuned for more stories of The Driver slowly losing his mind.
December 8, 2009
iRant Entry #6: Alternate Uses for Useless iPhone
The iPhone doesn't make a very good wireless communications device. But it makes a good baby toy.
Sorry about the blurred photo. The Mini Driver is fairly mobile — and the iPhone isn't a very good camera.
November 11, 2009
Self-Employed Parenting for Dummies
Above: A few old towels on the floor make a perfectly suitable play area for Baby. Note: if using the dog dish for Cheerios, Beer Nuts or other baby snacks, experts recommend thoroughly washing the bowl (or at least blowing on it a few times to remove loose dog food crumbs).
The Precious Cargo has diarrhea.
And now, diaper rash.
For the work-at-home parent forced to give up most of his working at home (read: income) for the sake of parenting, this makes baby care even more important (read: to the exclusion of even more paying work) -- and exceptionally tricky. Fortunately, The Driver has a degree in creativity.
Actually, it's an Art degree.
From a commuter school.
One best known as the location of the film "Necessary Roughness".
Starring Sinbad.
Where were we? Oh, yes. The baby needs attention. Right.
Anyway, The Driverette was minding her own business, playing with her floor gym when Mrs. Driver called with a few instructions from the nurse at the Bobble-Head's doctor's office.
First, the nurse recommended some special, expensive formula. Fortunately, The Drivers keep a variety of expensive formulas on hand.
Second, the nurse instructed The Driver to let the baby "air dry" prior to treating the diaper rash. This means "Naked Time" for the Mini Driver. Which is great, until one adds the element of the diarrhea.
So finally, the nurse suggested putting the baby on a blanket -- someplace where she couldn't A) roll off (such as a couch) or B) soil something (see: diarrhea).
Seeing as how The Bobble-Head was starting to chew on her fists -- and she had just finished filling up a diaper -- The Driver took these cues as a sign that it was time for A) a bottle, and B) some "Naked Time".
The dirty diaper was removed and discarded with little incident. Next, The Driver simply needed to prepare a bottle. But as any self-employed parent whose naked baby has diarrhea can attest, it takes two hands to measure and mix formula. Of course, it can be done with one hand -- even while holding a hungry, naked baby who is basically a ticking intestinal time bomb -- but the additional time required usually exceeds Baby's patience threshold (read: screaming baby). By the same token, making a bottle with two hands requires letting go of the baby -- if only for a few moments -- and this usually exceeds Baby's patience threshold (read: screaming baby).
The Driver carefully placed The Precious Cargo in her bouncy seat -- but not before lining the bouncy seat with an old rag.
The naked Mini Driver screamed, and then promptly wet through the rag and into the bouncy seat.
The Driver now found himself with:
1. Naked baby.
2. Screaming baby.
3. Wet bouncy seat.
4. No bottle.
Desperate to find a place where The Driverette could safely rest for a few minutes, The Driver remembered the nurse's instructions -- then summoned his aforementioned creativity:
"A place where the baby won't roll off..."
"Let the baby air dry..."
"Not on the couch or bed, in case there's an accident..."
"Please, for the love of all that's sweet and clean, let this baby stop screaming in my ear..."
"The floor..."
"Just put the kid on the floor."
And so, The Driver threw two old towels on the kitchen floor, and then -- after placing the screaming Precious Cargo on said towels -- returned to the task of preparing formula. A few excruciating moments passed, and the crying subsided. Soon, The Mini Driver seemed calm and -- dare we say -- even a bit amused.
The above photo of the actual makeshift palette (soon to be known as "Exhibit A") was taken during the little Spark Plug's nap time. This is due to the naked nature of the "air-drying" Bobble-Head, and to the potential legal ramifications resulting from The Driver posting photos of a naked, screaming baby lying on the kitchen floor.
Mortified and otherwise legitimate parents will be somewhat relieved to know that no babies were harmed in the making of this post.
October 6, 2009
The Day in Excrement
A typical daily chronology for The Driver, expressed in terms of the handling of human and animal waste matter:
3:30 AM Change wet diaper
3:45 AM Scoop cat feces from litter box
3:46 AM Clean cat urine from floor next to litter box
(Cat protesting lack of food)
6:45 AM Change wet diaper
6:47 AM Clean dog urine from living room floor
7:00 AM Collect dog urine sample for veterinarian
7:04 AM Pick up dog feces
7:12 AM Scoop cat feces from litter box
7:13 AM Change wet diaper
8:13 AM Change wet diaper
8:42 AM Change wet diaper
9:05 AM Deliver dog urine (in Tupperware container) to veterinarian
for urinalysis (Diagnosis: bladder infection. Treatment: costly.)
9:14 AM Change wet diaper
10:28 AM Change wet diaper
11:00 AM Change "poopy" diaper
11:47 AM Change wet diaper
12:17 PM Change wet diaper
1:00 PM Change wet diaper
1:01 PM Clean baby urine from changing table
(Baby urinates during changing)
1:56 PM Change wet diaper
3:12 PM Change wet diaper
4:00 PM Change wet diaper
5:00 PM Observe dogs urinating, pick up dog feces
5:07 PM Scoop clumps of cat urine from litter box
5:22 PM Change wet diaper
6:07 PM Change wet diaper
7:13 PM Change wet diaper
8:48 PM Scoop cat feces from litter box
9:15 PM Observe dogs urinating, pick up dog feces
10:27 PM Change wet diaper
July 19, 2009
The Mini Driver
The readers have spoken. Or written, as it were. And the nicknames for The Driver's little bobble-head keep coming in.
So, here's what we're going to do: We're going to use the nicknames interchangeably.
Examples:
1. The Bobble-head spit up on The Driver's shirt. Again.
2. The Driver is already shopping for colleges for The Passenger.
3. The Driver was eating a cupcake, and got crumbs in The Precious Cargo's diaper.
Maybe one nickname will work its way to the top of the list. Maybe not. Blogging is funny that way.
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