Self-Employed Parenting for Dummies

Above: A few old towels on the floor make a perfectly suitable play area for Baby. Note: if using the dog dish for Cheerios, Beer Nuts or other baby snacks, experts recommend thoroughly washing the bowl (or at least blowing on it a few times to remove loose dog food crumbs).

The Precious Cargo has diarrhea.

And now, diaper rash.

For the work-at-home parent forced to give up most of his working at home (read: income) for the sake of parenting, this makes baby care even more important (read: to the exclusion of even more paying work) -- and exceptionally tricky. Fortunately, The Driver has a degree in creativity.

Actually, it's an Art degree.

From a commuter school.

One best known as the location of the film "Necessary Roughness".

Starring Sinbad.

Where were we? Oh, yes. The baby needs attention. Right.

Anyway, The Driverette was minding her own business, playing with her floor gym when Mrs. Driver called with a few instructions from the nurse at the Bobble-Head's doctor's office.

First, the nurse recommended some special, expensive formula. Fortunately, The Drivers keep a variety of expensive formulas on hand.

Second, the nurse instructed The Driver to let the baby "air dry" prior to treating the diaper rash. This means "Naked Time" for the Mini Driver. Which is great, until one adds the element of the diarrhea.

So finally, the nurse suggested putting the baby on a blanket -- someplace where she couldn't A) roll off (such as a couch) or B) soil something (see: diarrhea).

Seeing as how The Bobble-Head was starting to chew on her fists -- and she had just finished filling up a diaper -- The Driver took these cues as a sign that it was time for A) a bottle, and B) some "Naked Time".

The dirty diaper was removed and discarded with little incident. Next, The Driver simply needed to prepare a bottle. But as any self-employed parent whose naked baby has diarrhea can attest, it takes two hands to measure and mix formula. Of course, it can be done with one hand -- even while holding a hungry, naked baby who is basically a ticking intestinal time bomb -- but the additional time required usually exceeds Baby's patience threshold (read: screaming baby). By the same token, making a bottle with two hands requires letting go of the baby -- if only for a few moments -- and this usually exceeds Baby's patience threshold (read: screaming baby).

The Driver carefully placed The Precious Cargo in her bouncy seat -- but not before lining the bouncy seat with an old rag.

The naked Mini Driver screamed, and then promptly wet through the rag and into the bouncy seat.

The Driver now found himself with:

1. Naked baby.

2. Screaming baby.

3. Wet bouncy seat.

4. No bottle.

Desperate to find a place where The Driverette could safely rest for a few minutes, The Driver remembered the nurse's instructions -- then summoned his aforementioned creativity:

"A place where the baby won't roll off..."

"Let the baby air dry..."

"Not on the couch or bed, in case there's an accident..."

"Please, for the love of all that's sweet and clean, let this baby stop screaming in my ear..."

"The floor..."

"Just put the kid on the floor."

And so, The Driver threw two old towels on the kitchen floor, and then -- after placing the screaming Precious Cargo on said towels -- returned to the task of preparing formula. A few excruciating moments passed, and the crying subsided. Soon, The Mini Driver seemed calm and -- dare we say -- even a bit amused.

The above photo of the actual makeshift palette (soon to be known as "Exhibit A") was taken during the little Spark Plug's nap time. This is due to the naked nature of the "air-drying" Bobble-Head, and to the potential legal ramifications resulting from The Driver posting photos of a naked, screaming baby lying on the kitchen floor.

Mortified and otherwise legitimate parents will be somewhat relieved to know that no babies were harmed in the making of this post.